Faculty and Staff Turn to Yik Yak to Enhance Campus Life

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Yik Yak has taken the University by storm, and no one is safe from the cloud of judgment that inevitably follows being exposed on the app. Not only are students invested in spreading the truth about Greek life rankings or upvoting posts about suspicious substances suspected to be present in cafeteria food, but faculty and staff alike are flocking to this newfound oasis of information.

In an effort to get a pulse on campus life and address the evolving needs and stressors of students, the University administration has encouraged faculty and staff to peruse the anonymous posts available for anyone’s viewing within a five-mile radius. The initiative, while problematic from the start, has unsurprisingly given University employees an all-too-close look at students’ lives.
Faculty and staff were shocked and disappointed to learn how many students were willing to make indecorous — albeit witty — comments on the internet. However, University administrators were thrilled to discover the implementation of Hall Olympics during Orientation yielded great popularity, especially surrounding the t-shirts.

The app is even being utilized for academic purposes in classes related to creative writing. “A student’s Yakarma is indicative of their ability to reach their peers. In this new age of technological communication, I am allowing students to express themselves through a variety of mediums. They can prove their ability to reach a wide audience by showing their posts that resonated with the most users,” Professor Eve S. Drop said. “Plus, I’m trying to get to the bottom of who called me a ‘baddie’ on the app last week.”

Public Safety units on campus have also attempted to weaponize Yik Yak through stealthy undercover research. Chief Officer on campus Buzz Kill told reporters his top priority, second only to punishing parking violators, is ridding the campus of illegal substances. In order to achieve this goal, Officer Kill employed his best men, many of whom learned how to use a cell phone that very day, in asking Yik Yak users where they may be able to find “grass and snow” on campus. Much to their dismay, the top answer directed them to their own mother’s home — a location sadly beyond the confines of their jurisdiction.
The potential of ruthless cyberbullying created by Yik Yak is no match for the place it already holds in our hearts. By bringing students, faculty, and townies together on one platform, people from all walks of life are able to berate each other in unison anonymously.

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