Class Act! Your Hookup Actually Walked You Home

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

There are certain steps in adult romantic relationships that signify progress towards something “more serious” – meeting the parents, moving in together, or letting your judgmental friends finally meet them. However, students at the University say the most significant step, and perhaps the hardest of all to process, will come out of nowhere and sweep you off your feet – your hookup finally walks you home. 

Most can only hope for this to happen. You get ready to make the trek back to your room, clutching your keys between your fingers in an effort to ward off kidnappers, and out of nowhere your partner begins listlessly putting on his shoes. In an effort to preserve his already fragile masculinity, he grumbles that he is going downhill to hang with the boys anyway, but you both know that’s a lie. It’s every little girl’s dream. Sparks fly; a bona fide prince charming moment, if you will. 

Of course – and this cannot be emphasized enough – he has flaws. Sure, he departed from last night’s mixer with some other girl, left your message on delivered for 19 hours, and exclusively refers to women as “females,” but the walk to AND from the chapter house is no small hike, so it needs to count for something… right? 

Like many others, you may be asking yourself what this next step means. Will he start accompanying you to the Bison for lunch, or finally ask for your number and move beyond Snapchat communication once and for all? The weight of these possibilities appear to  be a direct threat to toppling the carefree façade you have so tactfully established when discussing him with your friends, but at least you will have a consistent date to your formal for the semester. The pros and cons swirl in your mind as you wonder if it’s too soon, but ultimately appreciate the effort anyway. 

The consequences of this grandiose gesture may vary among pairings, but you might as well don an engagement ring and delete your Tinder based on the outside world’s perception; you’ll begin to be seen as “off the market,” all because he walked the extra half mile.

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