Counseling Center Really Sick of These Problems

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

As the semester turbulently progresses, the University counseling center is quickly being forced to admit their counselors were not prepared for what was coming – phones are ringing off the hook and walk-in hours are piling up. The counselors need their own counselors.

After returning to some semblance of normalcy, students were shocked that the normal they were so eagerly anticipating actually really sucks. Much to the dismay of the counselors hired by the University, they are forced to deal with these trivial problems, and they’re honestly kind of over it.

A major problem, and one first reported by Austin Tatious ’23, stems from changes made within the campus dining facilities. While students are thankfully no longer forced into an involuntary hunger strike, many still point to areas where there may be room for improvement. The switch to flimsy, wooden cutlery is showing shocking parallels to the weak and useless motivation seen in students. When Tatious approached the Counseling Center with this observation, it was revealed he was not only mentally and emotionally impacted, but also physically maimed from the splinters left in the useless utensil’s wake. Thankfully, the Counseling and Health centers were able to team up on the complex issue.

Roommates have long been a problem for the Counseling Center since its beginnings, but this semester has brought on new and unique challenges. Many students were able to skirt undesirable housing situations in the last academic year by reporting their roommate had been a close contact of someone with COVID, but that option is less viable with the return to a standard living environment on campus. Instead, students are now complaining about being forced to share a living space to a tertiary party in lieu of talking it out with their roommates – a coping mechanism some counselors would suggest is ineffective, if they had the time. 

Not only are roommate combinations crumbling within just a fraction of the semester, but broader socialization expectations are taking a toll on many. With students increasingly fraternizing off campus in the evenings, some report to their counselors that they feel their presence is valued in too many places to comfortably make a decision as to how they spend their time. Counselor Dee Cline, a mother of three who has not seen the inside of a children’s unfriendly establishment in years, is struggling to feel remorse for students. 

Counselors are reportedly tired and honestly kind of over these complaints, but hope next semester’s problems carry a little more weight.

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