Breaking: DJ Diesel Actually Shaq Impersonator

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Hoards of students ecstatically flocked to see DJ Diesel spin some tunes last Friday evening, and many report being thrilled with the quality of the event. Unfortunately, based upon a PSA sent out by the University, DJ Diesel was discovered to be a Shaquille O’Neal impersonator.

After further inspection following the admittedly riveting performance, Mr. Diesel was discovered to be a 5-foot-10, 45-year-old man who was most definitely not the four-time NBA champion Shaquille O’Neal. The University conceded they only talked to Mr. Diesel via Zoom prior to the event during which he had his camera off for the entirety of the meeting, but University administrators claimed they got “tall person energy” from him, so they thought it was fine.

One student, Hope Less ’23, had an extremely emotional experience meeting DJ Diesel. “Shaq is my biggest role model,” Less tearfully told reporters at the event. “I used to watch his old basketball highlights when I was a kid to remind me that anything is possible if you work hard. Meeting him changed my life.” Sorry to burst your bubble, Hope! It’s at least nice to know that an artist from an unaccredited music school can have such a big impact on someone’s life, though. Now there’s a new role model for you.

While some students bought into the scam, others were less convinced about the legitimacy of Mr. Diesel’s identity from the beginning. “I mean, yeah,” Connie Ceited ’22 gauffed. “I thought we all knew this was a joke. Why would Shaq come to the middle of nowhere to be a disc jockey?” Fair point, Connie. 

The Real Shaq™ is pretty mad about the whole ordeal, so all students are legally obligated to tell their home friends that they bragged to, that you did, in fact, lie to them. Additionally, the University is facing a lawsuit from The Real Shaq™’s legal team after publicizing in literally every possible way that basketball legend Shaquille O’Neal would be in attendance. More than anything, he is pretty offended that anyone would ever believe he would visit central Pennsylvania. 

While the students all seemed to greatly enjoy the event, many still feel really confused and betrayed by those who planned Mr. Diesel’s showcase. In an attempt to quell these strong emotions coming from the student body, the University has announced they will be hiring Commanders in Thief, an edgy pop punk band made up of the three most recent former Presidents of the United States, to perform at Spring Fling.

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