Everybody’s a critic! Professor faces backlash after waterboarding student

Maximus Bean, Senior Writer

When it comes to backlash, sometimes it can hit even the most gentle of souls. One such case was Professor Faustus A. Grimpler, an elderly history enthusiast with a concentration in CIA re-education methods. In his class, “Guantanamo Bay and American Torture”, one student took offense of Grimpler’s lesson plans. During the class’ lecture on American atrocities (a unit continued since Week 1), one of the students was selected for a standard in-class presentation where he was tied to a chair and doused with water upside-down. 

“This is why torture is wrong, class!” Professor Grimpler said over the student’s gasps for air. Clearly a benevolent lesson to display. It has been reported that Grimpler has encouraged students to educate themselves on these horrific interrogation methods and “make it a conversation.” However, not all students saw it that way.

“We have a professor who literally enjoys torturing his students,” sophomore Nikola S. Knowflaik said. “You should have seen when he taught us about capital punishment used in the American judicial system. The class was abuzz when he finished the lesson. We couldn’t stop talking about poor Topsy.” Reportedly, Grimpler had borrowed an electric chair from the nearby prison to show to the class. 

However, not all the news about Grimpler is bad. He may be accused of “torturing” and “manhandling” some of his students, and everyone’s already heard about the time he allegedly experimented on those beagles. He already served time for that though, so we shouldn’t badger him about it (nor should we discuss the incident with all those badgers. We all saw how that turned out). But we’re all forgetting that he has a wonderful pet bloodhound named Rudi, who he loves very much. If that does not absolve him of these heinous accusations, I don’t know what will. 

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