Student loses all sense of collectivism after learning she is in top 10% of class

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

After lobbying professors for extensions and easier assignments on behalf of her entire class, Ruth Less ’23 has shifted her course of action after learning she is in the top 10 percent of her ECON 100 class.

Her original initiative began as it became abundantly clear that the mental health of the entire student body could only be described as abysmal. However, after attending office hours to yet again pressure her professor into dropping an entire midterm exam from the course schedule, Ruth was thrilled to learn she was doing significantly better than the vast majority of other students in her class. 

Ruth, the president of several student organizations on campus, including Active Minds and University Democratic Socialists, gave a statement on the matter. “Before this, I kept thinking, like, ‘we’re all in this together,’ but that’s clearly not the case if I’m literally just so much better than everyone else,” Less said. Others, particularly those involved in the University Republicans club, have similarly praised Ruth for her tremendous display of having “pulled herself up by the bootstraps.”

This newfound sense of individualism is expected to take the campus by storm. After seeing the immediate recoil from helping others displayed by Ruth after learning the help wouldn’t necessarily benefit her, Ruth’s ECON 100 professor informed other staff members about this seeming victory. All tenured professors are now rumored to be telling 100 percent of students they are in the top 10 percent of any class in question in an effort to subdue qualms about “mental health concerns.” 

Thankfully, only about 90 percent of the student body will be disappointed at the end of the semester, a record-low for the University.

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