Global warming isn’t real: The awful truth about what you’ve been hearing

Maximus Bean, Senior Writer

I’m sure everyone has highs and lows. One low this week was the temperature on campus, where it swung anywhere from 50 degrees Fahrenheit to just above freezing. Now if you’re a science man like I am, you’d ask yourself, “where did all the global warming go?” 

The world seems to be on a global cooling spree right now, and that’s not just because winter is approaching. Some cretins could argue that since it’s winter up here, it’s summer in the southern hemisphere, right? WRONG! If it’s so warm down there, why has the Antarctic had its coldest season ever in the past few months? You can’t explain it. That’s a fact! Even after so many people whine and whine about global warming, they’re just pawns for a larger power. The truth is far more insidious than others would ever consider it to be. 

Global warming doesn’t exist. A bold claim to be sure, but I can safely tell you that global warming is a reverse-psychology marketing scheme enacted by big fossil fuel companies to sell more fracking and dinosaur air. Haven’t you ever wondered why green energy is so expensive?

Those wind turbines last, what, a decade or two before you have to replace them? It’s some of the least efficient stuff out there! It’s supposed to depend on “naturally occurring” wind to power stuff. How strong can wind really be? The birds may argue with me on that point, but as a human, it’s not that much. 

The point is green energy, and the push to annoy people about global warming sends people running back to the fossil fuel industry. Have you ever seen electric cars? There’s a delicious irony in the awful truth: that electric cars lead to more gas-powered cars (because we all know dinosaurs are faster than what Nikola Tesla could ever come up with). After all, gasoline has been around for millions of years, while your phone dies in less than a day. This is why as an honest journalist, it’s my job to expose these frauds for what they are: frauds.

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