Student still chasing high of being called “a pleasure to have in class”

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Following an absolutely abysmal midterm check in, Tim Orous ’24 realizes his life has gone drastically downhill after he stopped receiving positive feedback that had absolutely nothing to do with his grades from those teaching him. 

Many other students have reported feeling insecure upon coming to college and realizing their glaringly obvious mediocrity, and Orous is never an exception. While it is common for students to see a decline in GPA from high school to college, the biggest struggle comes from never knowing if professors find an individual to be “a pleasure to have in class” or “a leader in the classroom.” 

To resolve the turmoil caused by the unmet validation, the University has implemented a new protocol for parent-teacher conferences. In order to ensure all students are feeling appreciated even when their grades are atrocious, professors, upon request of the student, are now obligated to have a virtual conversation with parents and blow smoke about their child to make everyone feel a little bit better about spending $74,676 a year for a student to screw around. 

Professors report feeling major disdain towards students after these conferences, and many parents have pulled their children out of school following the harsh words imparted by the faculty. However, in cases in which a student was told they are a pleasure to have in class, the comment inflated their ego by up to 700 percent, while their grades continued to look like a pro golfer’s personal record. 

Luckily, the avenue to receive validation has improved the mental health of many students, thus reducing the counseling center appointment waitlist to only seven weeks from inquiry.

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