First-year student realizes parents not cool with binge drinking at home

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

After a sneak preview of the month-long break that is soon to ensue, Alan Coholic ’25 went through a major culture shock upon returning home for Thanksgiving break. 

In an attempt to create a nice surprise for the entire family, Alan set up Super Saturday in true University fashion. He even went the extra mile to make a homemade banner, splurge on Solo cups and set up a rented tent. As the rest of the house was filled with cousins, aunts and uncles playing games and prematurely decorating for the holidays, Alan was in the backyard doing keg stands and playing die with his estranged uncle before lunch was served. Unfortunately, his efforts toward family bonding were deemed “highly troubling” and “reasonable cause to put him into therapy” by his paternal grandmother, leaving the beauty of the entire day drinking experience lost upon his family.  

Upon additional discussion by the family in the midst of crushed plastic cups and discarded Flairs littering the pristinely kept back yard, the entirety of Alan’s relatives realized he engages in this type of behavior on a weekly basis. Despite the explanation that he “can stop whenever [he] want[s],” his parents decided it would probably be best if, moving forward, he refrained from doing a solo case race at family functions, at least until he is of legal drinking age. 

Consequently, Alan has made the executive decision to stay on campus in between semesters to escape the ludicrous and harsh ground rules his parents have set to prohibit underage drinking and his having a good time. He is open to reconsidering his decision under the conditions that his parents will reevaluate their new rules or cease funding his tuition.

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