Student enrolls in localized Squid Game competition for campus dollars payout

Maximus Bean, Senior Writer

If you’re a student like me, you have an issue with food insecurity on campus. It’s not about food insecurity, we’re just insecure about food. I like food, it’s good for the soul. That’s why when my meal swipes for the semester ran out around halfway through, I knew life was about to get a lot more difficult. That’s why when somebody offered me a strange card and the opportunity for loads of cash, I said “Yes!” I plan to pay off my college loan and use the rest to afford a single Big Mac. 

After a surprisingly tense game of Duck, Duck, Goose, I chose to go home with many others…but after facing my own inability to cook (and craving those delicious cheesesteaks the kitchen staff serve), I decided it was worth it to go back in. In unrelated news, the key to beating nuclear hopscotch is avoiding the radioactive spots. Who knew?!

Naturally, my star shone during hide and seek, where my small frame fit in nicely between all the hot pipes and swinging buzz-saws in the basement of Roberts. Not only that, but my yells for help were masked by the steam pipes leaking steam, so I won that game by default. 

Thumb wrestling wasn’t so bad. The hardest part of it was trying to play with a crowd watching…and the poison needle in the center if we lost. The only reason I won was because I never wiped my hands after eating those French fries I found in the trash bin. The grease wouldn’t let me get pinned down!

So if your roommate didn’t show up for spring semester (mine didn’t…Rest in Peace Joe), maybe you should feel thankful that there’s a solution for a concern that has been going on as far back as people have been complaining about it. Food insecurity may not be going away anytime soon, but at least the administration has enough of a backbone to deal with the problem in a way that is “fair” to everyone. Either way, their food insecurity issues will go away!

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