Irresponsible Late-Night Sledding leads to Traffic Jam; Multiple injured

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

On the Jan. 16., University students went sledding down a ramp behind Roberts Hall. However, they would all soon realize that this winter wonderland was in fact a winter none-derland as sleds and sled-adjacent objects were discovered piled into a heap the next morning. After the fact, witnesses report anywhere from 15-35 different household objects were used to “grind that hill.” These makeshift sleds included trash-can tops, snowboards, tubes, penguins and Tupperware lids that slid down that treacherous terrain. 

“It was absolutely insane!” remarked Snerdley Owen ’22, a student who risked his life on a descent down the ice-laden path. “People were just diving in! It totally wrecked my shins, dude! I loved every second of it!” When asked if he would reveal the names of the co-conspirators who had planned this scheme (obviously to cause disorder and discontent among the student body), Owen declined to respond and ran off, citing an unconvincing bathroom excuse.

The casualties of Sledmageddon (the official name of the event coined by fearful onlookers) had been astronomical, with 20 sprained wrists, 17 cases of ice-related accidents, two bushes, zero cases of frostbite and one broken arm in all. Despite these statistics, we have no idea of the true cost of this event to the student body. Based on the sheer amount of broken sleds alone, the cost may be in the upper-forties. 

This only serves to remind every one of us to remain careful of ice and especially snow in general. Nobody really knows what those soft, cold, edible pieces of sky powder are anyways. First, it falls from the sky, and then it just sits there, waiting. Nobody knows what it’s waiting for, but I’ve seen firsthand the carnage it would wreak on the population. People slip on it, throw it at one another and bring it into their homes! What is it even made of, could anyone tell me that? Only fools could believe that this stuff is made from water. I drink water! Can you eat snow and survive? I don’t think so. Despite my numerous petitions to the University to ban this stuff, for some reason or another, they lack the gall to do so. If this “snow” keeps invading our campus spaces, then horrific events like Sledmageddon would be happening everywhere! 

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