Students Desperate to keep Holidays going create Fake Celebration On-Campus

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

The holiday barrage of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Festivus, New Year’s Eve and National Hangover Day, can lead to a distinct withdrawal when the next celebration, Valentine’s Day, is an entire month away. Somebody could have a birthday, but it just wouldn’t be the same. To amend that distinct loss of joy that comes with the end of the season, University students have come up with a new kind of holiday (and no, it has nothing to do with binge drinking). Everybody, prepare for National “Just Do It” Day! (Jan. 24)

You want to wear pajamas all day? Just do it!

You want to put in a political joke that will offend half your audience? Just do–wait, wait, never mind.

You want to shout fire in a crowded theater? Just do i–What? I can’t? Since when?

While this is going on, University scholars continually debate the question of “What is a holiday?” Are holidays just events that are sanctioned by the government, like Thanksgiving or Independence Day, or could we as a people celebrate something smaller?  National “Just Do It” Day is just one of many little-known holidays. In fact, there’s likely a holiday for literally everything. National Potato Day is Aug. 19. Boxing Day is celebrated after Christmas (hah!). Play Your Ukulele Day is on Feb. 2. What does it take for anyone day to receive national attention? Are there any holidays now that could (and should) be removed from the celebration list? I, for one, would vote to remove Super Bowl Day, but that’s just because football and I are mortal enemies, much like tacks and balloons, or common sense and anybody I disagree with. 

Nevertheless, holidays big and small represent our values and beliefs as a community. Some cretins may criticize this point by asking “What does National ‘Just Do It’ Day say about our University community?” And to be completely honest, I don’t know. 

Maybe this holiday might have been invented to keep people active or to give them an excuse to dive into various vices, but then again, by the time this will be published, it would be too late to celebrate it anyways. On the bright side though, Jan. 28 is National Kazoo day, and if all of the holidays were ranked in order of enjoyment, that would certainly be one of them. 

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