Astonishing Report Reveals Winston Churchill is still Dead One Week later

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

It is now two weeks after that shocking conference on former Prime Minister Winston Churchill, where he was announced dead to the shock of everyone. Here is a second important announcement: he is still dead, to the delight of necromancers everywhere.

In fact, I am writing to you all to say that The Bucknellian has discovered an exclusive scoop, found deep in the bowels of the Himalayas. Underneath those snowy mountain caps, a team of scientists and reanimators alike are looking to clone the once-dead Winston Churchill. Surrounded by test tube-babies and test-tube adults, these brave men and women are taking the steps none have ever taken before. 

“It’s quite simple really,” head researcher Zom Walker, a Swedish scientist of 57, said. “We’ve done many experiments with STEM cells; grafting ears onto mice, heads onto dogs, and growing our own lambs. Now we’re essentially creating our own free-range, grass-fed Winstons!” Walker and others like him, a select group of individuals dedicated to cracking the code of biological cloning, have hunkered down in the depths of the snowy mountains to conduct their research in secret. 

“Winston Churchill was a great speaker and an important man,” another scientist noted. “We would rather he be cloned than mourned. It saves more time and recycles more resources in the long run.” Right now, cloning capabilities are significantly stronger than they were 400 years ago. Using cells from one of Churchill’s descendants, and a single one of his hairs, scientists could examine and replicate his genetic code. If this is properly accomplished, then it clears the way for many such advances for the average person. Imagine, instead of growing old and dying like a normal person, we can watch as our clones grow in a test tube and eventually we can battle ourselves in a trial by combat; the only honorable way to continue existing. It’s probably very carbon-friendly too. 

However, such procedures have not been without their detractors. While they certainly exist, we chose not to interview them because cloning things sounds so much cooler than not cloning them. Why go through the pain of childbirth for some kid you might not recognize when you could just create a human straight from the get go? Sure there’s one or two ethical issues there, but just don’t think about it and it’ll be a-ok.

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