End of Party Restrictions leads to Largest Rager ever seen by Administration

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

On Feb. 7, the Borough of Lewisburg lifted the 25-person limit on social gatherings, which is a godsend for the University community. This is because this past weekend, a mass collection of the fraternities (what’s left of them), the sororities, and the various other houses have combined together to shape one of the largest recorded parties in the University’s existence.

Reports range the activities from keg stand towers to entire beer pong leagues dueling one another for supremacy in an event now known as the Beer Pong Brawl. The size of the Super was so massive that attendance rivaled the Shaq concert for sheer amounts of people alone. That’s not to say that it was completely safe, however. At least two students were taken out of the fight because of ping pong ball-related infections, and there were 16 separate cases of alcohol poisoning from first years (since Greek Life already had their tolerances built up). There were also many COVID concerns, because nobody can truly escape COVID nowadays, and because, due to the students’ drinking habits, nobody was wearing a mask, thus quintupling the risk of catching the dreaded disease.

“It was alright,” Bud Whiteclaw ’22 said. “Two, three years ago, these parties would have been a-hundred percent better, this is pretty normal by frat standards.” Back before COVID, the parties were apparently much bigger than this, Whiteclaw claims, and beer flowed everywhere: frat houses, backyards and classes if they could help it. “It’s incredible to me that students will never know what the University’s was like with real parties.” Upon witnessing the enormity of this party (and not partaking in it at all in the slightest), I could not help but wonder what this senior meant. What was there before COVID? 

Since the beginning of college, it was all masks and vaccines, and I’ve long since given up hope of any sort of “normal” college experience despite the pleas of parents and mentors alike. What is the “normal” college experience, anyways? Is the celebration of parties returning just an echo of a bygone era, or do these claims have merit to them? Since this is satire, I’m not allowed to have a serious answer to this question. Therefore, I leave it up to you to decide.

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