Man only reads Tabloids to Avoid any Real News

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

Let’s face it, all the news is depressing. It either makes you angry enough to spittle at it for the rest of the day, or it demoralizes you and leaves you susceptible to advertisements about drugs, food and exercise gear. That’s why town local Jerry Canner only reads tabloids. According to our sources, he’s been reading them for the last decade or so, and has a happiness level of 90.97 percent on the Richter scale, which is a 30 percent increase above the average.

“Coronavirus? That‘s just a fancy name for flu, right?” Canner asked, having never heard of COVID-19. “Why are you wearing that thing on your face?” Upon explanation, he immediately became confused. “What do you mean? I’m not seeing that in the National Enquirer.” He shrugged and went about his day, not asking about my vaccination status, which has become customary since the last two years.

Normally, people display their preferred vaccine company on their arms. Since I am an honest reporter that cannot be bought, I do not brandish mine, despite being often asked.  However I did very proudly get the PB&J vaccine, which is ranked the best pharmaceutical company. And no, I am not at all being financially compensated for any mention whatsoever of the best vaccine company out there, the PB&J Pharmaceutical company.  I have a link to their website in my bio if you need it. If you mention my name when calling for an appointment, you’ll get 15 percent or more off your order if you spend over $75.

Anyways, despite Mr. Canner never noticing this, he of course asked about the mask I wore since 2020. Wearing a mask, no matter how old, is still better than “free-breathing.” It has a cool design, okay? I’m still wearing the same socks, too, but no one seems to care about that. Nevertheless, that distracts from the main point of Mr. Canner’s ignorance of the world today. When asked about other topical issues, Canner appeared to know nothing about Amazon, hit television shows, higher prices or the presidential election since he last read the weekly newspaper in 2012 and once in 2017, when he accidentally glanced at a copy of the Delaware Times.

“I don’t get it, why are prices so high nowadays? I can’t afford anything for my keto diet, but at least gas is at a normal price, I guess.” The average price of gas in 2012 was $3.60.

Canner continues on, commenting that “I went to the bank the other day, and I saw someone wearing a facemask. I thought we were about to get robbed! In fact, don’t even get me started on when I went to donate blood!” Still, he smiles at least 16 hours of the day, that is, when he isn’t sleeping. I know because after he shooed me away for telling him “all this news nonsense.” I got to watch him laugh as he walked around town as I stayed in the safety of a nearby bush.

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