Satire: Letter from a concerned citizen

Jovial Brawnson and Maximus Bean

To the Editor of The Bucknellian,

As my name suggests, I am nothing more than a concerned observer. I have been around campus for a long time, especially in the Lewisburg area, and I have thus seen many concerning trends occurring on campus proper, the first of which being the Bucknellian itself – it prides itself on being the memento of witnessed student activities and those various developments of campus life. However, there are many issues that we as a community face, and as such, I believe it would be wise to discontinue such practices, or risk the wrath of the administration, i.e. making food from Bostwick the standard across all mess halls.

The first of these many issues is continuing the investigation into where the funds from the latest price hike in tuition (now $77,104) is going. Although student input is vital to a functioning and conscientious campus, there are questions that should never be answered because it would be a grave violation of good order. Although the administration supports the advocacy of student voice (particularly when student voices emit the correct questions and responses), the inquisitive nature of tuition money spending presents an issue that cannot be waved away lightly, and thus should be disregarded altogether. This very much relates to the advent of “free speech” on campus, wherein some students and members of the faculty complain that they are not able to “speak freely” about tuition and other similar issues. While I respect the students’ autonomy and ability immensely, I must side with the administration and reproach such dissenters from stepping out of line. It is vital that to keep reasonable order on campus, some questions and speech must be censured for the public good. It just so happens that such limits on “free speech” does include tuition questions, no matter what some people in Chicago may think about it. If you truly wish to complain so badly, then you are welcome to go off-campus.

I must admit that despite these problems, there are indeed some among them that deserve policy attention, such as the revocation of mask mandates around spring break* and a more sustainable, eco-friendly campus. The administration, president included, have also been involved with such student efforts such as food insecurity, safety on campus, and local scientific research based around bat-diseases and similar flying rodent-related afflictions. This is not to mention that the administration has been ever vigilant in keeping campus open since the end of 2020, and has continued to remain open, even as other campuses have shut their doors in light of the other variants (Mu included). For these accomplishments alone, I have been proud to call the University truly adjacent to my place of residence. 

Sincerely, 

Jovial Brawnson
Campus Existent
Campus-Adjacent Citizen
Nobody

 

*May be fake news depending on the future

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