In courageous new legislation, all bears banned for their synonymy with Russia

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

Due to the Russian government’s barbarous invasion of Ukraine, it is no surprise that many parts of the world are forming sanctions on Russia and trying to punish it for its actions, and it is well time for the University itself to get in on this action. However, since the University would never deign to ban vodka, this past week administration chose to ban bears from the campus grounds instead. To justify their ban, the administration cited the “consistent and harmful synonymy” with the invading country, since Russia is often characterized by the figure of a bear. It suffices to say that this momentous news broke hot on the heels of the Fédération Internationale Féline (self-described as “The United Nations of cat federations”) banning all Russian cats from their various widespread cat competitions, thereby robbing Russian citizens from participating in cat shows because of their tyrannical leader’s actions. 

“I never really thought about Russia that much,” Baloo said, a local black bear roaming the Lewisburg area. “I usually just think about ‘oh, what am I going to eat today’, or ‘oh wow, a picnic basket’, but Russia? That seems a little out of my league, don’t you think?” it said before scarfing down the baloney sandwich we had promised it. “I mean my great Uncle’s a Eurasian, but he doesn’t really get on with that political stuff. He’s just trying to survive out there, and now you’re saying he can’t even visit?” 

A similar case is going on in shops and stores all around the country where Russian vodka is being boycotted all across the United States, despite the fact that Americans consume less than 1 percent of all vodka made in Russia. It is clear that despite the despotic Russian government rampaging through a foreign country, it is in fact the fault of all things Russian that this is happening, from cats to vodka to bears, and thus, they must be punished as well. Is expressing support for Russian people the same as expressing support for the Russian government? No, it is not. How will trashing a Russian food market get in the way of Putin’s army? That only serves to disenfranchise employees and terrorize citizens innocent of this plight.

The Ukrainian people are in great danger by Putin’s invasion, and it is indeed in our best interest as a society to aid those people as best we can without getting directly involved; however, there is, and will always be, a distinct difference between a country’s people and their government. While banning Russian-oriented products might satisfy our citizenry, we should in no way take it out on our animal brethren as well.

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