As cherry blossoms sprout, hay fever sets in for endangered student population

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

As our student population enters into a strong, mask-free spring, dangerous outbreaks of “hay fever” threaten to undo all of the University’s years of progress on COVID. Hay fever, also known as “The Spring Sneezin” has symptoms similar to the common cold. It spreads by, as the name subtly implies, sneezing and coughing. However, while it would be assumed that our many battles with the pandemic would enable us to fight it as easily as a modern marine would dispatch of a 14th-century English peasant, that is not the case. COVID, like Carmen Sandiego and Waldo alike, has always slipped through our grasp. With the looming threat of hay fever, our bodies, minds and spirits may not be able to handle another semester masked up. 

Of course, these threats of instability have not gone unnoticed. Our valiant administration has privately organized a select group of individuals to take the new “Hay-O variant” to task, but instead of masking up again — which would cause untold amounts of student unrest — they decided on a different course of action. Starting the week of the first positive COVID case, everyone will have to wear paper bags on their heads. Due to the excessive PPE spending to provide now-unused masks and never-used hand sanitizer to students, the University ran out of alumni funds to afford anything else. 

“It’s for the best,” unintentional contributor Juffalo Bringman said. “We have no more money! It’s the bare necessities I tell you!” After sneaking out from under his front porch, I got to hear more of his phone conversation from the comfort of his back patio. 

“Curse you, Coronavirus! One day, we’ll take you to task!” He added, shaking his fist at the sky. It’s safe to say that although mask mandates are winding down, we won’t be uncovered for long. If by some miracle nobody tests (or tests positive!) for hay fever, then we should all remain bare-faced in the most incredible (and controversial) fashion statement of 2022. Then again, when it comes to fashion, nothing says “cool” like a facemask of your own face. Those were good times, good times.

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