Teachers flip the script by skipping class for April Fools’

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

On April 1, students experienced a very unusual thing when they arrived at class that day: no teachers. None. Nada.

Normally, the 15-minute rule, which stands as a pillar of Classroom Law, dictates that if an instructor does not arrive within 15 minutes, the students are legally allowed to leave the class without repercussion. However, it just so happened that this was the case in every single class that day. It left students wondering–at least, those students who had bothered to arrive–where were the teachers?

One such answer could be found after some investigation. Professor Hinnegan Lardwark, a specialist in bird science, answered my fifth knock at his door dressed in sweatpants and bunny slippers. He usually holds classes at 8:30 on weekday mornings.

“April Fools!” He exclaimed while sipping on a coffee. “Do you know how many students stay up late during the week and ditch my class? Sometimes I have like five or six students there, but it’s a 20 person class!” After going on a very specific tangent about a few particularly negligent students (you know who you are), I managed to talk him down from breaking his computer and get to the point. “Anyways, we’re all just sick of it, so the entire administration is pulling a fast one on the students.” If only they knew that the caf food was one step ahead of him. 

Still, Lardwark’s grievances weren’t entirely unfounded. Wednesday nights are always party nights when it comes to students, much like Friday and Saturday are in the real world (usually I hit the town on Tuesday, when people least expect it). However, often these excursions result in hangovers and overall exhaustion when class starts on those grueling Thursday mornings. Nevertheless, despite the professor’s complaint, I think that due to the teachers’ absences, such behavior will continue… mostly because students are always looking for a day off.

To properly remedy, this is simple: show up or pack up! That’s right everybody, we should introduce a no-nonsense lack-of-tolerance policy for excuse-less non-attendance. If people are still coming in late, then may these teachers rule by fear!

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