Amami releases new “Adrena-ccino” to student customers

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

This weekend, local coffee hotspot Amami is releasing the newest of their many coffee flavors. From “Pumpkin Spice” in the fall to “July 4th Americano” in the spring. Now the aspiring chain is releasing the “Adrena-ccino” (for when Red Bull just isn’t enough). Apparently, the coffee is just a shot of pure adrenaline coupled with the energy packed into a regular old cappuccino. It’s apparently the equivalent of one pack of five-hour energy drinks, since it’s literally just pure energy in liquid form. While students are allowed to choose any product they want, this one supposedly comes with a warning label. Apparently, six of them can result in cardiac arrest! Who knew? Anyways, the marketing team mentioned that the core audience was for sleep-averse students and procrastinators. I think it’s a solid choice, because if you’re going to work at the last possible second, you better work 600% faster than before. 

Have a ten-page midterm due by tonight? Knock it out in two hours using the power of nonstop motion, desperation, and nothing to lose! The only side effects are an increased heart rate, an increased desire for cardio, sweating, weight loss, rampant screaming, muscle strain, and rare cases of Destructitis, also known as Bull-China Shop Syndrome. Compared to the effects of huffing ashes of an incinerated copy of Coffee for Dummies, Amami’s newest product is fairly tame by comparison. 

I can’t even remember my first sip of the Adrena-ccino, but when I woke up, I had all of my homework done, written a full-length play, had an all-points bulletin out for my capture due to something something in Cuba, adopted a pet bull, and successfully scheduled several meetings with the frozen head of Walt Disney. My point is, the Adrena-ccino is a drink that has the capacity to change lives forever. It can destroy you if used without caution, but at the same time is a blessing for the bold. It’s the equivalent of a train wreck and a sixteen-week Space Force boot camp because there’s so much flying around and there’s no control over it, not unless you have a lot of stopping power. 

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