To Solve the housing crisis, University establishes “Housing Boats” on the Susquehanna

Maximus Bean, Satire Co-Editor

This upcoming week, one accepted proposal to the University’s housing crisis is causing some stir among the students. While construction is happening around Vedder Hall to the chagrin of many day-sleepers and silence enthusiasts, construction is also beginning at the base of the Susquehanna river (lovingly referred to as “the Susky”). The newly-coined “house-boat” is an ingenious mix of house and boat. Some gawkers may say that such a design is flawed when it comes to dozens of fraternities boozing it up in open waters. After all, who wouldn’t want to drink copious amounts of alcohol in the middle of a raging river? Don’t answer that, I’m already in hot water over my recent calls to violence against the local squirrel population. Either way, let’s hope the recipients are proper sea-men. The last thing this campus needs is a couple of landlubbers.

Jokes aside, the real questions lie in who, exactly, gets the “honor” of living there? Who would be so unlucky as to be stationed there for the semester? Students have gone back and forth around this, most of them pushing the burden of ownership onto the fraternities, while others laid the burden on the displaced Vedder residents. On the bright side, applications are open for any poor sap without housing this semester to apply…or the University can just stuff the first-years onto it. Either way it’s a win-win.

Supposedly the houseboats would be attached to land from a single stake in the ground and held from a single strand of rope. There would be only six bathrooms, and the beds are just hammocks suspended above the deck. Lifeboats? Who needs lifeboats? The only thing to worry about is the seasickness, but hey, what do you know, the whole sea is your toilet! On the subject though, toilet jokes are too easy of a subject for this. After all, how would plumbing work? That’s not for me to say. At The Bucknellian, we don’t stoop so low as to do bathroom humor. We are strictly a pun-based community that deals with snarky jokes, strange topics and a very attached enthusiasm for the various figures around the University community.

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