Freshmen start up paper out of dorms, rehash recent events and post it everywhere on campus

Maximus Bean, Satire Section Editor

Even though this paper is the most popular and likely the only of its kind available on campus, competition is afoot. Students Newt L. Edders ’26 and Reed N. White ’26 have utilized the various follow-me printers around campus to propagate their own newspaper, titled “The Bison Weekly”. Their main gimmick is that of relevancy; every week they post about all of the random events that went on the week prior. A strange new sign was posted in the ELC? They wrote about it! New shop opening on Market Street? It’s in their itinerary. They took every minuscule thing about campus life and chopped it up into four articles per section. 

Despite everyone on the student body living through the weekend’s Fall Fest, the pair who ran “The Bison Weekly” still wrote about it. Why would people want to read about something they’ve already experienced? It makes no sense! This is not to mention that their “Funnies” section is laughable (in a bad way) and that their “Opinions” section has nothing but pop culture. What else are people supposed to complain about if everyone’s thoughts on things are as milquetoast as bread? How dare this other paper belie and misrepresent itself to the eager public!

“We just want to try it out,” Edders said in an exclusive interview with one of our correspondents. “It’s something exciting for us Freshmen, and we want something cool to put on our resume. Starting up a new newspaper on campus sounds pretty nice, doesn’t it? Hopefully it’d bolster our experience, too.” While the wire attached to the interviewer’s chest picked up Edder’s comments just fine, it sadly missed anytime our correspondent spoke due to an editing error. Before anyone asks about the actual audio of the interview, that too was unfortunately destroyed in a freak accident involving rabid squirrels. 

The student body can be thankful despite this horrid turn of events. Since “The Bison Weekly” isn’t a registered group on campus, this week’s papers were quickly gathered up and burned by a group of disgruntled, but anonymous individuals. The students who did this, heroic as they are, will not be named for reasons pertaining to conflicts of interest. Competition after all is just a corporate buzzword. It’s an excuse for other people to butt in on well-established products. Who needs it anyways? Nobody, that’s who! It has no actual meaning or purpose here on campus, so don’t worry everyone; this paper will do you right every single time. Copies come out every week, and are available all over campus. Order a subscription now!

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