While many of us know and love Brent Papson, that guy who always sends us emails about on-campus events, something few people know is that he’s going to be teaching a class in the spring. As it turns out, Mr. Papson is actually a full-blown unlicensed professor, and the university is looking to utilize his skills on event planning and organization. 

It’s set to take place during the Spring semester as a partial credit class under the business major. The syllabus for this class, which wasn’t stolen from his mailbox, said that, “Students will learn valuable skills, such as time management, team coordination, impressing the higher-ups, and rain dancing. Remember all of those rainy days last semester? Yeah, you’re welcome.”

The course itself would be a single hour a week, with only one or two papers assigned based on his emailing schedule. In fact, students would potentially be able to draft his prominent Thursday emails for him. Of course, this is going off of a syllabus that may or may not be implemented next semester, so really everything is up in the air. 

When we asked “Professor” Papson about this development, he said, “How did you get in my mail?” In other words, there is no further development on this class as of now. The satire section may be locked out of Stuck House for the immediate future, but there is no stopping the palpable excitement everyone at the paper feels for the upcoming semester. 

Nevertheless, Mr. Papson will continue to work as the Director of Campus Activities and Student Media until the end of the semester in December. Just as well, because the paper has run several pieces claiming that his retirement is nigh, including the last April Fools issue and a recent article on Mr. Papson determining his successor via a contest of champions. It must be said that this is not due to any kind of “manifesting”. Rather, it is due to the deliberate misinformation propagated by the squirrel community, which is known to whisper mistruths and falsehoods into the ears of overworked students as they sleep.