Wholesome! Department Professors Align Midterm Dates for Same Day

Maximus Bean, Satire Editor

Although midterms are a large source of stress for students, they often weigh heavily on the professors who grade them as well. That is why it is often so awe-inspiring to see these brave men and women collaborate to make their own lives easier. The past five weeks on campus have been fraught with activity, both with students and their hours upon hours of homework, and professors and their various preparations for class. 

As it turns out, several professors from different departments (English, Philosophy, Biology, Engineering, Women’s Studies) got together before the semester began and painstakingly adjusted their class schedules for one reason and one reason alone: to assign all of their students’ midterms on the exact same day. 

Why would they possibly do this? As it turns out, it makes the workload easier. By ensuring their students submit everything on the same day, the professors could prepare for the onslaught of tests and ensure that their students have much respite before their potentially awful grades are handed back. 

“It’s a near-perfect system,” Professor of Economics Fitz B. Goode said. “For us, anyways. Sure the students have a little extra work on their plate, but we have full faith in our student body to handle the work assigned to them.” Professor Goode had apparently assigned his students a 27-page paper (with properly formatted footnotes) on the history and current state of the stock market. 

When a correspondent emailed some of his students about this project and their mental health, the replies were not as optimistic as the professor had predicted. 

One student sent them a long string of text that was quickly rendered untranslatable, before they emailed again and apologized, saying they had fallen asleep on their keyboard. Another student sent in a response entirely in caps lock. The third sent back a detailed and polite message saying that if the Satire section ever thinks about emailing him again, he will, “bring down wrath unlike anything humanity has seen before upon thee.” Very nice chap otherwise. 

Nevertheless, the paper wishes these many students the best of luck as their assignments snowball towards the exact same day. We are sure this will not result in any trouble whatsoever, and we wish everyone a Happy Fall Break!

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