Sports scholarships finally paying off, Bucknell Football Team won for once

Maximus Bean, Satire Editor

Although this week proved the trend right yet again, the week prior displayed what many thought to be an impossibility: the football team actually won a game. 

Although it is no secret that the football team is performing a Sissyphean task by going up against pretty much anybody. And yet somehow, by the largest miracle of the imagination ever performed, they won against Lehigh. As a result, Bucknell was awash in celebration, especially among the faculty and staff. 

“Finally,” Calisthenics Professor Esther Sighs said. “I’ve been waiting years for this. It turns out our sports scholarships are paying off!” So far the football team is 1-7, with tens of thousands of dollars still spent on scholarship money.

However, the latest match against the Colgate University Raiders (named for the manufacturer of the Colgate brand, Dentist N. Colgate), proved ineffective. The Bucknell football team lost 13-7, and ended any hopes of a “streak” before it truly began. One could only wonder what it would be like to have a football team with a positive record. 

When the Satire section sent some members onto the field to conduct interviews with the various coaches (to ask about salaries, PIN codes and mothers’ maiden names), they suddenly found themselves dressed in padding and helmets and running laps around the field. As it turned out, the football team is always looking for new, able-bodied players.

When the Satire Section sent out more members to track down the members-turned-football players, we got this quote.

“YEAH! LET’S GO! FIRST WE CRUSH FORDHAM, THEN GEORGETOWN WILL FEEL OUR FURY!” Exclaimed former staff writer Hamming N. Cheesebury, who requested that this quote be made in all caps. Other former members celebrated with the rest of their newfound football family. They will be mourned, and obituaries will be sent out with the newest The Bucknellian copies. Get yours today.

Regardless of all of this football talk, there are certainly other, more impressive school sports which are worth any student’s time and attention. However, to name exactly what those sports are is a task outside of my jurisdiction.

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