Bucknell fall semester guests, here are our suggestions

Maximus Bean, Satire Editor

As of this week, Bucknell has not invited anyone to be their Fall guests for this semester. This is, naturally, a great disappointment.

While the campus received Swae Lee, there has come no word about anyone else aside from that “State of Democracy” speaker series. However, students deserve something better than the usual run-of-the-mill speakers. This is why I want to introduce five people who Bucknell should consider inviting for their end-of-semester showcase.

1. Oprah Winfrey

With Dr. Oz officially blacklisted from Bucknell’s hallowed grounds, it’s time to size up someone new to take up the mantle of “famous person we think would be cool to talk to.” While normally Dr. Phil would be on this list, but he’s only technically qualified as a doctor. Some students may ask, “why not Ellen?”, and that’s a very good question actually. Her show may have ended this year, but she could be due a few more thousand dollars before this semester is through. 

2. President John Bravman

With his position fairly secure until 2028, and no clear speaker in sight, why not go with the cheapest option available? Then again, he did get a raise recently, so maybe that’s off the table too. 

3. George Washington

Even though Halloween is long over and the 2024 election is still two years away, we should give opportunities to other shambling corpses, especially those with a part in our nation’s glorious history. For the Founder of our Nation, Washington would be an excellent speaker due to his natural eloquence and still-attached wooden teeth. 

4. BTS

Let’s face it, BTS is a worldwide hit, even if the majority of students don’t actually understand what they’re saying. Besides that, Bucknell has honored its share of veterans, and them being drafted is sure to be a big draw for alumni and students alike. The last famous drafted person was who, Elvis Presley? 

5. Thimswatcher Applemothgate II

Although sixteen squirrels in a trench coat isn’t ideal for most university faculty to listen to, the students might get a kick out of it. Acorns are optional, but it would just be a mobile petting zoo. Sure, sixteen squirrels have more collective brain power than most of the people running for office these days, but they’re just rats with fluffy tails, and I’m sure everyone needs a break from classes even before Thanksgiving Break arrives.

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