Students cutting class surprised by failing grades

Maximus Bean, Satire Editor

Despite the upcoming Thanksgiving break, there is still much work to be done on campus.

Some students are cramming for last-minute exams despite having an entire week to prepare themselves, and others are just beginning their Friday-due essays. Still there are others whose bouts of senioritis are only just beginning — symptoms which only seem to manifest during the Spring semesters. 

These reasons are often why professors crack down so much harder on their students during this time: without all of the stress that the extra work demands, how might these students appreciate their time off?

In a similar way to the old tradition of debts being forgiven every seven years, the end of their workload is in sight for these students, and therefore the professors must squeeze as much effort as possible out of them before their time is up. 

As much as these professors might try, however, there are still some students who don’t put the work in. This is the situation of Walter Beernstein ’23, whose (unusually strong) senioritis had become so severe that he was skipping all of his classes altogether.

When asked about this debilitating condition, he was reported to say “Eh, I’ll take care of it later. It’s my Senior year after all!”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him!” One of his professors exclaimed. “One moment he was dutifully doing his work, the next, he’s lounging around on his desk, saying things like ‘this can wait until tomorrow,’ and ‘I don’t need to pay attention to this, I’m a Senior.’ Now that he’s gone altogether, it’s really starting to get out of control!” 

This professor, Dr. John Dirkawallywalla, works in the linguistics of astrophysical relations to biological objects. He usually posted an exam every week, along with a single-page essay due every Friday evening. 

Despite this paucity of work being only one-fourth of the effort that these students need to go through, Professor Dirkawallywalla felt confused as to why this student and others like him were falling behind.

Then again, with Thanksgiving break so close, why would he let up now? Nonsense, it wouldn’t do him good to let his students relax when an entire week of relaxation awaits them!

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