Sleeping Around: The Proverbial Closet

Rocky Blue

We are all aware of the proverbial “closet,” consisting of a homosexual male who has not yet openly told the world that he is, in fact, gay. There are several different types of closets–each guy’s is unique–but there are several more broad categories of the “closet” that we will discuss.

1. The “glass closet.” This is probably the most painful closet to see someone in. Basically, we know you’re gay, you know you’re gay– just say it already!

You might be in a glass closet if: your friends are primarily girls, you’ve already had some sexual experience with another dude and you openly express a love for Madonna, Lady Gaga or Urban Outfitters.

My advice: You are not fooling anyone, and honestly it will just be easier for you to come out instead of awkwardly, half-grinding with a girl at every register.

2. The “straight closet.” You would never peg this guy to be gay, but he is. If you look closely enough, or have great “gaydar” like I do, you might be able to pick something up. But, they just seem so far from what is traditionally depicted as a gay man. If there is anything I have learned over the years, it is that anyone may be gay.

My advice: People in this closet are usually pretty insecure about themselves or come from an incredibly conservative family. Most guys think they need to wait it out and are constantly giving themselves time frames of when they will come out. “I’ll come out in high school” or “I’ll come out after college.” Blah blah blah. Just come out; it doesn’t have to be that big of a deal and it could be widely accepted. You always hear about kids being kicked out of their homes, but from my experience and the experiences of my friends, parents can be surprisingly accepting and loving, and even though it may be awkward at first, being out is way better than pretending to be something you’re not. Additionally, these kids always tend to be the sluttiest … don’t ask me why.

3. Last but not least, the “hidden closet.” This closet is reserved for those who don’t even know they are gay yet, despite the protests of everyone around them. When someone is in this closet, it is just a matter of time before he figures it out.

My advice: Because they don’t know, all you can do is wait and let them figure it out for themselves. They’ll get there eventually.

Before I leave you all, I just want to make sure everyone knows one thing. You can’t force someone out of the closet. Everyone needs to get there on their own. As a friend to someone in the closet, you just have to let them work it out. Give the person space and support and hopefully you’ll be that special friend they tell first.


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