The Lying Bison: Your Weekly Dose of Satire

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Bucknell Discovers Untapped Market

By Ethan Weber

(Picture is on file)

Any student here who has walked home from the bar, a downtown or Gateway party, or who simply lives downhill has encountered The Flying Bison, the University’s diesel-guzzling oasis that stands ready to capitalize on the excessive alcohol consumption the University so frowns upon. Each weekend, hordes of drinkers skirt Public Safety SUVs and make their way to the front of Vedder Hall for a treat that will make their cotton mouths once again water. Yes, the University has certainly found a way to make economic lemonade out of the lemon that is the campus climate, and the vast assortment of beer, wine, martini and shot glasses available in the bookstore is a testament to that. However, there is one element of the University’s party culture that has yet to be exploited.

“Recent studies of the social habits of Bucknellians have shown that the students often smoke a plant called cannabis, also known as marijuana or ‘weed’ as the kids call it,” Heath Clifton, head of Bucknell’s Marketing Committee, said. “Of course, the University does not condone the use of this substance, but an interesting side effect of the drug is that it causes users to consume large quantities of food. ‘Stoners’ or ‘potheads,’ as they are called, also have an affinity for purchasing marijuana-related paraphernalia. The University no longer views these individuals simply as a menace to public safety. We now also see them as a demographic to which we can market all sorts of [crap]!”

As a result of these findings, the University has announced the launch of a second food truck, The Blazing Bison, which will specialize in satisfying the very munchies students are not supposed to have. The tentative menu includes Funyuns and Cheez Doodles, as well as straight-from-the-refrigerator specialties, such as leftover spaghetti and cold leftover pizza. Each menu item will cost exactly $4.20.

“The beauty of it is that, with the exception of snack chips, The Blazing Bison can be stocked almost entirely with food left over from Bostwick and The Bison,” Jonathan Macaslan, head of Bucknell Dining Services said. “It will cost very little to operate and will allow Dining Services to reduce food waste.”

As for the aforementioned paraphernalia, Clifton was excited to announce that “Bison Bongs” will soon be available at the bookstore.

“They’re going to be blue and have a picture of an orange bison with dreadlocks. We’re calling him Bob the Bison, after Bob Marley. Apparently that guy is really big with our demographic,” Clifton said. “We’re also thinking of selling roach clips that have orange and blue beads and feathers.”

However, Clifton wants to remind students that these items will not be allowed on campus.

“Like most merchandise in the bookstore, these things are intended as gifts for family and friends back home,” he said. “‘Bison Bongs,’ like Bucknell shot glasses, are something nice for Mom and Dad to buy when they visit or a way of letting Grandma and Grandpa know you’re thinking of them.”

Clifton wants to see ‘Bison Bongs’ on shelves by mid semester and The Blazing Bison parked downhill by early fall.

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