The Lying Bison: Your weekly Dose of Satire


By Ethan Weber

It is no secret that the University likes to be on top. The school ranks among the most prestigious–and most expensive–institutions of higher learning in the United States. It is also listed as one of the most attractive campuses in the country. Topping the lists is a cutthroat game, and in the past months the admissions office has been rocked by a scandal concerning one list in particular.

“We’ve definitely come under a lot of fire lately,” said Hugh Helfer, vice president of enrollment. “People have been demanding answers ever since it was leaked that we’ve been accepting female students based partly on their looks. Yes, we have rigorous academic standards, too, but people fail to understand the importance of homogeny at Bucknell. We’re one of the most attractive campuses there is, and I’m not talking about quads, I’m talking about calves. I’m talking about maintaining or improving our rank of number 26 on College Prowler’s ‘Hottest Girls’ list. I mean, they gave us an A+, for crying out loud.”

“We make most of our admissions decisions while listening to ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top,” Merv Hunter, an admissions officer, elaborated. “We take two things into account: whether or not ‘she’s got legs’ and whether or not ‘she knows how to use them.’ ZZ Top is very explicit about these qualifications, and so are we.”

“Of course,” Helfer added, “we don’t see pictures of the applicants. That would be chauvinistic. Instead, we use the applicant’s extracurricular activities to determine what she might look like. We look for things like track and field, swimming and gymnastics.”

Since learning of this process, many have expressed anger toward the institution, calling it a “boys club” and “the grotto on the Susquehanna.” Helfer and Hunter take exception to such accusations.

“Critics of our policy, which has been in place for decades, do not appreciate the importance of the status quo in allowing for the survival of Bucknell as we know it,” Helfer said. “Girls here must be attractive enough to be used as a commodity for admission to parties. Without such girls, no one would be able to get in and there would be no parties, nothing to do whatsoever. No one would want to come here, and the University would turn into Bennington College.”

At the time of printing, Helfer and Hunter were reviewing applications while blasting “Legs” and playing air guitar.

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