The Lying Bison: Your Weekly Dose of Satire

“Bison Confessions” Deemed Not Entertaining Enough

By now, there isn’t a single University student and hardly an alumnus who has not heard of “Bison Confessions,” the Facebook page that allows members of the University community to anonymously confess, console and condemn. It has become the Jerry Springer or Maury Povich of campus, and students can’t get enough of it. In the wake of House Party Weekend 2013, it would appear that the need for a new, not-so-anonymous Facebook page has arisen. For this reason, Jerald Montagnais preparing to create “Bison Boasts,” a Facebook page that will allow students to let the University know exactly what juicy things they do and precisely who does them.

“I think it’s going to be a great success,” Montagna said. “The new page will address the biggest problem students have with ‘Bison Confessions’–the anonymity. We all know that #381 is a male in the class of 2014 and that he had a three-way on the roof of the library, but who is #381? How do we congratulate him? Who do we high-five? And when #407 says she’s gotten stoned in every academic building while wearing nothing but the head of the Bucky the Bison costume, we can only assume she is longing for us to know her identity.”

Indeed, it must be frustrating for #379 to have slept with  “at least one girl from each sorority” and received not even a single fist bump from his bros for his effort. Likewise, #327 must be upset that, while she “has a job after graduation because [she] majored in something useful,” those who remain jobless cannot applaud her and tell her how superior she is to them.

“Bison Boasts” will have another feature that “Bison Confessions” lacks. In addition to a name, each user’s room and mailbox number will be included. This way, commenters will also have the option of sending fan mail or leaving congratulatory bouquets outside the user’s door. Those that disapprove of a user’s actions/remarks will not be limited to bickering and name-calling as they are on “Bison Confessions.” Hate mail and bags of feces will now be options as well.

“I just want to optimize the amount of attention both users and commenters can generate for themselves while allowing them to do so in a venue void of anybody who has actual problems and/or advice to post,” Montagna said. “That’s the problem with ‘Bison Confessions.’ Its entertainment potential is hindered by the fact that some of its content is serious and should be respected. My page will cut straight to the good stuff.”

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