Ben Rees

Screenwriter Extraordinaire

Some things in life simply stump me. I don’t understand the vastness of the universe, I cannot fathom why anyone watches Conan O’Brien and, for the life of me, I have no idea why I went to college instead of becoming a screenwriter. My father told me I’d be wasting my academic talents, and my friends said I would never make it. Well, to silence all the naysayers, I have outlined my masterful manuscripts for your benefit so that my loving fans may sing my praises. Action!

Screenplay #1: Submerged under the filthy streets of New York, inhabiting the dark underworld of the sewers, lies the most terrifying man to ever have taken the Hippocratic Oath. Some nights, when the moon is full and the stars are eerily dim, he emerges from the pest-ridden tunnels, only to prey on his next victim. Can’t you feel your skin throbbing? Doesn’t that strange bump on your back pulse at an increased rate? Well, keep your shirt on, because the deranged dermatologist of Manhattan is coming to drain your sores. Introducing: “The Exorcyst.”

Screenplay #2: This fall, get ready for the documentary sensation of the year. It is a tale of our current economic hardships and the tough times we all endure. It encourages productive, proactive behavior, and attempts to make sure nobody gets left behind. It is entitled “Ferris Bueller’s Four Years Off: Unemployment Hardships in America.”

Screenplay #3: Men, fear not the consequences of crying. This tale of boyhood sorrow will infallibly yank at the heartstrings of every man, woman and child alike. There is no greater heartbreaker than the misery of a poor, poor boy who lost his favorite childhood possession. This Christmas, come see the heart-wrenching film of the year that is guaranteed to blow you away, “Gone With the Wind: A Tale of My Favorite Baseball Cap.”

Screenplay #4: “The Lord of the Rings: The Don King Story”

TV Pilot: MTV’s “True Life” only scraped the surface of America’s deepest, darkest secrets. Why focus on what you are when you preemptively explore what people might possibly become? This week, on “True Life … Maybe One Day, If Things Go My Way,” we explore little five-year-old Tina. See her play with those ABC blocks? Well, maybe one day, if things go her way, she could become a teacher.

Little Ralphie always wanted to make a name for himself. All of a sudden, he began mounting Beanie Babies on all the walls in his house. He must have a dream that he wants to attain! Catch him next week on: “True Life … M.O.D.I.T.G.M.W., I Kind of Want to Be a Taxidermist Someday.”

Who says I don’t have talent?