The Lying Bison: Your Weekly Dose of Satire

Spring’s Lateness to Affect Academic Standing


Spring could be seen hurrying around Marts Hall this week as she met with deans to discuss her academic standing at the University. After failing to arrive on campus until late in the second half of her namesake semester, Spring had used up all of her absences in her four courses early on, and her grade in each continued to drop daily after that.

“In all honesty, she failed all her courses long ago,” said Dean Lenard Haroldson after his meeting with Spring. “Right now it’s really just a matter of whether or not she can appeal to the University.”

“I’m supposed to graduate in May and be out of here by summer,” Spring lamented. “If the deans don’t hear me out, I’ll have to return for the fall semester, and that’s an impossibility. I would have to withdraw.”

Spring’s justification for her lateness is shaky at best. She blames global climate change, sighting students’ penchants for long showers and for leaving lights on. However, the University argues that its recently installed solar-powered garbage and recycling compactors have reduced its environmental impact so significantly that Spring should have been able to arrive on campus early.

Haroldson is skeptical for other reasons.

“The science isn’t in yet on climate change,” he said. “It sounds to me like she’s making excuses.”

When asked to outline her defense beyond the topic of global climate change, Spring explained that despite her long absence, she has still learned all required course material and is fully prepared for her final exams.

“Winter has been here all along, and I’ve been borrowing his notes and hearing about deadlines from him. Each of my papers was submitted on time via email,” she explained. “Besides, I pay to go here. If I can’t make it to lectures, that’s not the business of any professor or the University.”

Unfortunately, Spring’s weak defense coupled with her having missed midterms makes it likely that she will be forced to withdraw and that the University will resume being a frozen hellscape as of next semester.

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