Application to be Senior Girl’s boyfriend

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

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If you’re reading this you are either just as washed up as Senior Girl is or you’re naïvely looking for a date party invite. Either way, in order to apply to be this Senior Girl’s boyfriend you will need to exactly fit the following criteria:

-Never look at any other female ever, only Senior Girl.

-Always go find Senior Girl out at night, if Senior Girl is at another party, even if it’s not your fraternity—force yourself in by any means possible.

-Senior Girl will need to be Snapchatted 10-15 times per class.

-Senior Girl will need seven to 11 Amami dates a week.  You will obviously pay.

-Never associate with any of Senior Girl’s exes because they are all “the devil.”

-But if Senior Girl wishes to speak/flirt with said exes at the bar, you must be okay with that.

-Senior Girl will never say anything nice about you to her friends, she will exclusively complain about you.

-However, you will need to compliment Senior Girl in front of your friends and her friends at least 25 times a week.

-Senior Girl does not have to like your friends.

-Senior Girl will not be subjected to spending the night at your fraternity house, even if you do have a queen bed and she has a twin XL.

-If you think it is okay to go more than an hour without being in contact with Senior Girl, you’re wrong.

-Especially on Friday and Saturday nights, you must text Senior Girl back within the minute—if for some reason you are not already with her.

-Finally you are never, ever, right.  Senior Girl is always right. You are eternally wrong.

Senior Girl is in it for the long haul (three to nine months). She wants to answer that yes, she is seeing someone, when her family inevitably asks over Thanksgiving. If you think you would be a good fit, send a resume, cover letter, and head-shot to campus mailbox 474, and we might be in touch.

Best of luck!

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