Parent banned from future Family Weekends for making too many dad jokes

Jon Meier, Satire Co-Editor

In an unprecedented move by the administration, a student’s father has been banned from all future Family Weekends for his incessant corniness. Michael Gray, the father of Kevin Gray ’20, was escorted off campus by Public Safety on the morning of Sept. 22. The incident occurred after the jazz brunch, where Mr. Gray was repeatedly heard asking people to “jazz it up.”

“He seemed like a really nice guy. But he kept making these really corny jokes, like asking where he could meet ‘Ray Bucknell,” Rachel Flynn ’20 said.

Multiple witnesses made similar claims throughout the morning.  Some argued that they heard him state “Bye, son” to his son whenever someone mentioned the Bison. Others saw him fake collapse every time he shook someone’s hand. A particularly unfortunate few were forced to watch him pull an apple out of his pocket while he arbitrarily asked them, “How ’bout them apples?”

“We understand that parents are always trying out new ways to relate to their children, but Mr. Gray unfortunately took it too far. It is fine to a certain point, but we cannot tolerate parents submitting Bison orders under misnomers like “Hughe Jabut,” an official statement from the administration said.

The University has required Mr. Gray to attend a comedy workshop to improve his timing and delivery. Only upon completion of this workshop will his re-admittance to campus be considered.  He has also been placed on comedic probation —during which he cannot illicit eye rolls, uncomfortable laughs, or avoidance of eye contact from people for 90 days.

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