Jon’s Declassified: Good Questions, Bad Advice

Jon Meier, Satire Co-Editor

What’s the best way to tell my parents I’m failing a class?

Commit to your failure and don’t back down: get written up, steal some laundry. Your parents will respect your drive to become the best failure possible you can be.

 

There’s this girl in my English class who I’ve been thinking about asking out. What’s the best way to do it?

If there’s one thing I know (and I know a lot), people love grand gestures. Show up to class in a tuxedo with a bouquet and a classically trained string quartet. She’ll love it, your classmates will love it, and your professor will give you an A–no questions asked.

 

What’s the deal with the squirrels?

Twenty years ago, there was an animal behavior student doing an honors thesis on squirrels. He went into the Grove for three days armed with a notebook and a butterfly net. He never came back and the squirrels never forgot.

 

The other night, I found out that my roommate uses mayonnaise in her hair before she goes to sleep at night because she thinks it makes her hair grow faster. How can I tell her that I can’t go to sleep with our room smelling like my grandma’s fridge?

I’ve had my fair share of problems with roommates. Fight fire with passive-aggressive fire and put a different condiment in your own hair. There’s a 40 percent chance they’ll stop, a 20 percent chance you’’ll start to hate each other, and a 20 percent chance people will start to think you’re running an illegal sandwich shop in your dorm.

 

Will I get blacklisted for-

Yes.

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