Jon’s Declassified, Volume III: Good questions, bad advice

Jon Meier, Satire Co-Editor

I keep having this dream where my literature professor is a centaur and ends up saving me from a burning building. What does this mean?

You either have a weird attraction to your literature professor or you should stop taking so much melatonin.

 

Do you have any good Halloween costume ideas?

Take any inanimate object and then make it sexy. Sexy lampshade. Boom.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend last week but I left a bunch of my sweatshirts in her room. Is there anything I can do to get them back?

There’s probably nothing you can do aside from filing a police report.

 

Is there gravity in India?

What?

 

Jon, you’re failing the class — just submit your essay already!

JoN, yOu’Re fAiLiNg tHe cLaSs jUsT sUBmIt yOuR ESsaY aLrEAdY.

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