Fraternity brothers invent first level 5 autonomous vehicle

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

Two members of the fraternity Sigma Gamma Delta, Brad Brixton and Chad Pendleton, dominated the conversation in Silicon Valley this past week. In a meeting with angel investor Mark Cuban, the two finance majors from Susquehanna University introduced an unprecedented breakthrough in autonomous vehicle technology.

In a room filled with the tech industry’s elite, the two men presented their autonomous vehicle technology: Pledgemobile. Their working model comprised of an unassuming Jeep Wrangler with a dented fender and a white cloth located in the driver’s seat shaped like a human being.

“The technology behind our product is simple. You yell ‘Pledge’ and then say your desired destination,” Brixton said. “We can’t reveal our algorithm just yet because we’re leading the industry and we’d like to keep it that way.”

“You know, inspiration comes from the most unexpected places. I was sitting with Brad in our house and the South Park episode ‘Awesom-O’ came on the television. Things quickly snowballed and before we knew it we were in a room with Cubes and a bunch of tech titans. T’was tight my dude.”

Level 5 is an unprecedented level of vehicle autonomy. Tesla Motor’s range of vehicles currently function at level 3, which requires basic human supervision. Brixton and Pendleton’s closest competitor is Chinese startup Bytun, who claim they’ve achieved level 4 autonomy with their prototypes.

Pendleton and Brixton closed their presentation with a live demonstration of the technology. With a paddle in hand, the two men started the car with the key phrase: “Rush SGD.” Without haste, the Jeep roared to life and a shaky voice requested the desired destination.

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