Single student buys all of the University’s singing valentines

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

Valentine’s Day is the double-edged sword of holidays. While allowing couples to celebrate the sanctity and love of their relationships, it also emphasizes the loneliness and perpetually single status of others. After seeing the fifth-consecutive post on Facebook advertising the various University a capella groups’ singing Valentines, Ron Jomay, ’20, was fed up. Using the money his grandmother gave him over the holidays, Jomay purchased every spot they offered under multiple aliases.

“I’ve been single since freshman year of high school and I’ve had to endure this wretched holiday every year, and sometimes it gets to be too much. I saw someone deliver 4,000 roses to Hunt Hall. My roommate’s friend even sent her boyfriend a heart-shaped pizza. I figured I’d make this holiday about self-love and treat myself to a day of people showering me with songs,” Jomay said.

He organized to meet his serenaders in the University’s cafeteria at around noon. After a passionate rendition of “Beautiful Soul,” Get on My Treble, the University’s premier a capella group, realized Jomay’s sinister plan. With their streamlined online payment process, the group’s singing valentines were all prepaid and nonrefundable. Get on my Treble spent the next three hours singing a range of show tunes, early ’00s pop music, and Disney songs to Jomay as he enjoyed the cafeteria’s never-ending supply of ice cream.

“We usually get a break between songs when we move from place to place, but we were stuck in the cafeteria with him for hours. We had to call back people we rejected during tryouts just so we could keep on going. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it,” Jackson Michaels ’19, leader of Get on My Treble, said.

Jomay is reportedly still single. The popular dating app, Tinder, has reached out to Jomay, offering a free lifetime membership to find a girlfriend.

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