Jesus Christ arises too early, caught on wild night out

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

Christians around the world were overwhelmed with confusion on Feb. 17 with the arrival of a particularly holy individual. Jesus Heavy Hitta’ Christ of Nazareth, more popularly known as the Messiah of the Christian religion, was found wandering the streets of Binghamton, N.Y. Eyewitnesses say Christ seemed embarrassed and confused, avoiding eye contact with passersby and trying to hide the braided palm sandals hanging from his hands from other pedestrians.

“He looked really disheveled, like he’d spent the night somewhere else. His hair was an absolute mess and there were wine stains all over his linen robes. His cup definitely overflowed last night,” Christopher Lent, eyewitness, said.

Claims placed Christ at local nightclub Trinity around 1:30 a.m. He was seen followed by his usual entourage, composed of Apostles Paul and Bartholomew, of the former rap duo, “The Gospitters.” Christ and his entourage reportedly remained at a table where they met with socialite Mary Magdalene and ordered five jugs of water. They were eventually escorted out of the club for violating the club’s alcohol policy.

“I’m just having a few drinks with the boys – c’mon, I literally died for your sins,” Christ was heard yelling as he was escorted out of Trinity. The trio was last seen entering a glowing white uberXL before disappearing for the night.

Later that day, the Church of Latter Day Saints released a statement on behalf of Christ:

“While my actions last night were regrettable, I’d like to emphasize that they are not representative of the religion I was raised to lead. I’d like to apologize to my father, myself, and the holy ghost for my poor behavior, and I promise to do better. I was sent to this world to make fishers of men, but instead I made a fool out of me.”

Update: Christ has reportedly entered a rehabilitation center in Scottsdale, Ariz. voluntarily as of Feb. 19.


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