Five ways to get that spring break body in 2 weeks

Jon Meier, Satire Editor

 

  1. Draw abs and various muscles with highlighters and contouring tools. Kylie Jenner’s lip kit is great for enhancing the sharp edges of the abdominal muscles.
  2. Hire a body double. There’s no point in putting effort in this late. Christianmingle.com and Angieslist.com are great resources.
  3. 3D print muscle implants at the MakerSpace. After passing the tutorial, you can literally have the same abs as your favorite celebrity with the press of a button.
  4. Buy a rashguard and say you have eczema. You’ll still have a great time on spring break. The downside is that most people will leave the pool whenever you go in.
  5. Binge eat and commit to a dad/mom bod. This was a thing circa mid-2017. Lie to yourself and those around you and reclaim the narrative from the fat-shamers.
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