Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

Tip #27

The Flying Bison is the perfect place for a late-night snack after a long night of registers and questionable decisions. That being said, do not go up to the counter and ask for a piece of avocado toast.


Tip #59

If you see gum on the quad, leave it there. It’s not free candy.


Tip #137

There are a limited number of parking spots on campus, so if you’re having trouble finding a space, make your own. Any patch of land that will fit your new Audi is ripe for the taking.


Tip #189

If you are ever in a situation where you feel inconvenienced (they ran out of your favorite food in the Bison, the shower pressure isn’t to your liking, one of the squirrels gave you a dirty look as you were walking downtown), be sure to tell the nearest bystander how much you pay for tuition. They need to know.


Tip #223

It is important to establish good study habits early on so you’re not stressed in the long run. Be sure to carve out a solid hour from 3-4 a.m. dedicated to finishing problem sets and studying for your morning exams.


Tip #256

At 8 a.m. tomorrow morning, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow.


Future Bucky


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