University Hunger Games erupts following cancellation of OEL programs

Lewis Rizzoli, Contributing Writer

Following an announcement from the University administration that warned about the imminent discharge of Outdoor Education & Leadership (OEL) programs, the student body has been up in arms about the future of physical activity for the community, both on and off-campus. According to the report, the outdoors were cited as being unhealthy and counterproductive to the mental and emotional growth of the student body.

Rather than try to reinstate the cut programs and rebuild the dying outdoor education program, officials have announced their plans to promote “The Great Indoors” to students. Susie Collinsworth, head of the University’s new “Indoor Initiative,” has stated her belief that the outdoors and college students are a dangerous combination.

“I know of a place where you never get harmed,” Collinsworth said. “A magical place with magical charms. Indoors! Indoors! Indoors!”

After several weeks of intense construction, Collinsworth and her team was able to build a large biodome in the KLARC, a massive environment that keeps kids inside while simulating what it would be like to walk around and explore in the real world. However, the plan quickly went south once the participants, enraged with cabin fever, turned hostile.

“We ended up fostering an environment similar the one in the popular Hunger Games series,” Collinsworth said. “Who would have guessed that they would have been compelled to instantly grab a weapon and fight to their death? Wait, why did we even include weapons?”

Kat Evergreen, OEL leader, nature enthusiast, and winner of the first Bison Games, responded to these comments, stating that “This just goes to show why OEL is necessary. To teach people that the wilderness community is a one of acceptance, peace, passion, and family.”

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