The Dad’s Guide to Admitted Students’ Day


Graphics by Olivia Braito.

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

In the eyes of most University officials, this year’s Admitted Student Open House went off without a hitch. Large groups of anxious high school seniors toured campus, sat in on unique lectures that gave a glimpse of their future careers, and experienced college life first-hand at the Activities Fair. While student responses to the event were mostly positive, the real motivation behind the weekend was to perfectly adapt the University experience to dads of incoming students.


According to members of the admissions team, specific tours were given to cater to the fathers of incoming students, using decades of data to create the perfect “admitted dad experience.”


“They asked us to lay out over a hundred lawn chairs across the Malesardi Quadrangle,” Tori Guide ’19 said. “The dads were all over them in a matter of minutes. Some of them fell asleep right there and stayed in those chairs for the rest of the day. Plenty of work emails were checked and texts signed ‘from dad’ were sent.’”


The dads who were able to avoid the temptation of a beautiful Saturday morning lawn chair were then escorted downtown in an unconventional twist to the original campus tour formula.


“Normally we are encouraged to avoid supers at all costs,” Guide said. “But that day, Public Safety supplied all the downtown houses with fresh craft brewskies for the dads. I think the guys were excited to stretch out their white New Balance sneakers and bond with their new friends over a few cold ones.”


Along with these new changes, tour guides made sure to have a team of paid actors tag along with every group so that there was always a laughing audience whenever the inevitable dad joke was delivered.


“This place feels like home and I’ve decided I’ll be coming here in the fall,” Dan Smith, father of prospective student Stan Smith, said. “I’ll be sure to bring an extra pair of socks when I go golfing on the University course. Just in case I get a hole in one.”


For many tour guides, the new dad-ified experience was either aggravating or traumatizing. Only time will tell if the new strategies will pay dividends for the admissions staff.


“Every five seconds, someone was asking to go to the bathroom,” Guide said. “Every. Five. Seconds. Also, if you left your dad to nap on the quad, please come pick them up soon. They’re starting to get confused.”


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