No more coffee causes dazed craze

Liz Whitmer, Senior Writer

With finals rapidly approaching, the Bertrand Library staff thought now would be as good a time as ever to attempt to wean students off of their caffeine addictions. 

The Bertrand Library has recently ceased all sales of caffeinated beverages to students on campus as a social experiment, and the responses are creating a campus-wide crisis. Since the beginning of the war on caffeine, students have been seen scouring campus for any form of caffeine they can get their hands on, and some protests have even materialized in the Malesardi Quadrangle.

Protesters can be found on the Malesardi Quadrangle, chanting monotonously and holding signs made with little effort reading “Latte us have coffee.”

Joe Java ’20, leader of the protests and proponent for bringing coffee back into Bertrand, is fed up with the new policy. “What the University is doing to us is a crime,” he said. “I have been getting a full eight hours now when I used to be able to do work all night.”

Java’s complaint is the main reason Bertrand has decided to stop selling coffee as staff members have become concerned about student health on campus. 

Upon visiting campus, health expert and sleep enthusiast Rachael Rest was the first to notice the negative effects of coffee on University students. “The students were walking around with unseen levels of energy at all hours due to their excess caffeine consumption,” Rest said. “I believe, with finals approaching, they will be able to remain jittery and anxious, even without several cups of coffee a day.”

Professors are also hesitant about continuing the ban on coffee as it is affecting the classroom dynamic. Larry Learned, a prominent professor at the University, is another opponent of the new policy. 

“I used to notice students drinking coffee during my class, but now that they can’t, more and more of them have been falling asleep,” he said. “Their bodies must be going through withdrawal to make them so disinterested in my lectures.”

Despite the controversy that the coffee ban has sparked across campus, the Bertrand Library has been reluctant to bring back the caffeine. Instead, they are offering free trials of mind-stimulating exercises to mimic the effects of coffee created by their new biggest donor, Rest.

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