University housing switch causes trouble

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

You’ve heard of a dingle, but get ready to meet the dripple (or trouble?) — the newest holy grail of University campus housing.

In order to ensure all available rooms on campus are occupied, University Housing Services has converted all triple rooms into doubles, and beneficiaries are enjoying every minute of their experience until their return home next week. The Bucknellian secured exclusive interviews with some affected individuals to get a better look at what is going on inside these venues. 

Sara Selfish ’23 told reporters she and her current roommate turned their room into an underground casino to make some extra money to pay for heightened University costs. Selfish and her former roommate, Diane Duped ’23, are no longer on speaking terms after the housing switch. 

Duped, now housed in the basement of her original building, says she was disappointed to hear her bed had been replaced with slot machines. When asked how the remaining residents of the room were determined, she explained it came down to a mental challenge of passive-aggressive suggestions for who should be the one to leave, and a physical challenge that involved a race to the dorm on move-in day. Ultimately, Duped conceded when a former roommate told her she thinks Duped seems “good for a single.”

While some inhabitants are monetarily capitalizing off this new living situation, others are trying to share the wealth with their friends and peers. Gene Generous ’22, a self-proclaimed philanthropist, has turned his new home into a shelter for those who were forced to leave campus for breaking University guidelines and protocols. 

Generous ’22 is now living with seven students who are no longer University residents due to their lack of social distancing during a nationwide health crisis. Generous says he is “doing the Lord’s work,” as he refuses to turn away those whom have been ostracized. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have deemed the location a virus epicenter.

While the intentions of this housing switch were to limit any issues for University officials, the triple-double rooms are proving to cause trouble across the board.

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