The Bucknellian

First-year parents request child swap after realizing roommate is much cooler

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

September 27, 2018


Filed under Satire

After spending much more time with their daughter’s significantly cooler roommate during Family Weekend, one pair of University parents have decided to officially exchange their current child. Sources say that the child transfer will take place through the University registration system. “Saying...

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

September 27, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #2100 The long-awaited Employer Expo has come and gone. Be sure to follow up with all the company representatives you talked to at the fair, and connect with them on LinkedIn. Personal thank-you notes are also appreciated. They also will accept cash, credit, or Dining Dollars. Remember: when it...

Josh Peck cancels University lecture after running over Oprah

Josh Peck cancels University lecture after running over Oprah

Charles Beers, Contributing Writer

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Actor and social media sensation Josh Peck has announced that he is cancelling his planned University lecture after driving his car directly into Oprah Winfrey in the 7th Street crosswalk on Sept. 19. Sources claim that Peck, an emotional wreck upon recognizing his childhood idol, immediately fled the...

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #1320 The infection rate of the University plague is reaching record heights this year. Take extra precaution in keeping yourself safe from your sick roommates. Hang your bed sheets across the room to quarantine others. Wear padded gloves when touching doorknobs. Don’t go outside for any reason....

University parent’s petition to bring back first-year “sadness cookies”

University parent’s petition to bring back first-year “sadness cookies”

Actual parent of the Class of 2019

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire

With the hopes of ending their fabulous four-year experience the way they began it, parents of University seniors have recently petitioned to University President John Bravman and the Bostwick Marketplace to bring back the University smiley-face cookie that had been distributed after Bravman’s welcome...

Senior student takes Parents’ Weekend as opportunity to move back home

Sufferer of Senioritis, Contributing Writer

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire

Mandy Heering ’19 was seen packing her belongings into her father’s car at the end of Family Weekend. She packed it outside of Yellowwood, having just finished Supering with her parents, friends, and friends’ parents. With the car fully loaded with books, clothing, and her mini-fridge, Heering...

Random strangers play Fall Fest, still no sign of Plain White T’s

Random strangers play Fall Fest, still no sign of Plain White T’s

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

September 20, 2018


Filed under Satire

Members of the University community were confused when the Plain White T’s were a no-show at the Univeristy’s annual Fall Fast on Sept. 14, and many more were perplexed by the graying, out-of-shape band that took their place on stage. According to those in attendance, Fall Fest was hijacked by interloping...

The list: How to study abroad in Lewisburg

The list: How to study abroad in Lewisburg

September 13, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Feeling the post-study abroad blues? Don’t worry. Our team of world travelers has assembled a thorough list of ways you can bring all of your incredible European experiences back to the heart of Lewisburg. In order to study abroad at the University, you must: Show up to class wearing a huge parka in ...

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide III

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide III

September 13, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #829 Job hunting is a stressful time of year for everyone on campus, from the first-years still trying to figure out what to do with their lives, to the seniors realizing that they still have no idea what to do with their lives. Our advice? Don’t stress about it. McDonald’s is always looking...

Philosophy major still has no idea what is going on

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

September 13, 2018


Filed under Satire

Jasmine Myrtle ’19, a senior philosophy major at the University, hails from the quiet little town of Shicksville, Pa. According to her close friends, Myrtle prides herself on the strong Platonic forms of being late, always asking for directions to the Elaine Langone Center, and yelling at people in...

Biomed department discovers cure for University plague

Biomed department discovers cure for University plague

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

September 12, 2018


Filed under Satire

Biomedical engineering undergraduates experienced a breakthrough on Sept 10. regarding their research on the infamous fall plague that devastates the University. According to sources close to the official team, not only have they discovered the root cause of the virus, but they have also created a...

Bucknellopoly creators announce new board games for Christmas 2018

Bucknellopoly creators announce new board games for Christmas 2018

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

September 6, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Following the incredible success of their breakout hit “Bucknellopoly,” the students responsible have announced a new line of family-friendly board games that will hit shelves this holiday season. The development team claims that these new spinoffs will carry that familiar University charm, appealing...

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