After a grueling rush process, Potential New Members were left sad and confused as they woke up to find that none of them had received any bids from fraternities. There are always years where fewer bids are given than usual, but none? That’s practically unheard of. Did the bids get lost in the mail? Did frats suddenly raise their standards? Nope! They actually just forgot to send their bids out. 

For those who may not know, frats are judged based on their pledge classes. This is a case where size definitely matters, so having a pledge class of zero would reflect terribly on the frat both on Bucknell’s campus and nationally. The issue is that the time to give students bids has already expired. Fortunately, Chad Thad Brad ’24, president of a fraternity here on campus, came up with a genius solution: giving the cafeteria workers bids.

Some folks might be surprised by this decision, but those people clearly haven’t met Bucknell’s caf workers. They are some of the kindest and most hard-working people you’ll ever meet. You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who disagrees with that statement. 

When asked about the decision to extend bids to the workers, Brad said, “It was a no-brainer, brah! They, like, totally embody our values or whatever.” Brad looked down and mumbled, “Also, none of us know how to cook.” 

A very vocal minority here on campus would make the claim that the caf workers don’t know how to cook either, but they’d be wrong. See, the secret ingredient to any good meal is love, and while the workers may not have been feeling the love in Bostwick, they’ve most definitely been feeling the brotherly love in the frats. The meals they’ve been cooking for their new brothers have reflected it, too! We’re talking steak. We’re talking lobster. We’re talking Beef Wellington. It’s beyond clear that giving bids to the caf workers has paid off!

In fact, members of Greek Life have been loving having the caf workers around so much that they’ve proposed only allowing caf workers to rush from now on. Obviously, this hasn’t gone over well with students. 

Alon Forever, a sophomore who did not get a bid, said, “It’s just not fair! If I can’t join a frat, what else is there to do on this godforsaken campus?” That’s not the only reason students have been upset… they’ve been starving too! 

While the workers have been cooking on the dance floor downtown, Bostwick has been absolutely dead. Seeing as it’s the only place they can eat, first-years have been hit particularly hard by the workers’ absences. They’re probably regretting their “I’d rather starve than eat another caf meal” YikYaks right about now, but hey, at least they don’t have to worry about the freshman 15!