The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

2024 Commencement Student Speaker: Lea Tarzy
Alexandra Slofkiss: 2024 Commencement Soloist
Outstanding Senior Award: Bernadette Maramis
Excellence in Diversity and Inclusion: Gloria Sporea

Excellence in Diversity and Inclusion: Gloria Sporea

May 10, 2024

Excellence in Athletics Award: Meghan Quinn

Excellence in Athletics Award: Meghan Quinn

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Excellence in the Arts Award: Joselyn Busato

Excellence in the Arts Award: Joselyn Busato

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Bison chefs scrambling to make random food combos that students request at kiosks

What do you get when you mix soup, a protein drink and a sandwich? A disaster, that’s what. A disaster that, unfortunately, is what Bison employees have been having to deal with over the past couple of days. 

It all started on Sunday when Poh Posture ’26 and Ned T. Touchgrass ’25, a pair of computer science majors, went to The Bison for a late-night snack. However, after being told that The Bison was out of Mountain Dew and Doritos, they stormed out, awkwardly telling the employees, “Y-Y-Y-You’ll regret this!”

And regret this they did. The very next morning, the kiosks at The Bison were hacked, and they started to display random food combinations. At first, they seemed innocuous enough: things like a fruit smoothie with ketchup and mayo as mix-ins or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but with barbecue sauce and mustard instead. Weird combos? Sure, but at least employees could still make them. Unfortunately, Posture and Touchgrass’ prophecy took an extremely dark turn, including items on the menu that ranged from unobtainable at best to blasphemous at worst. 

Gourdoesnt Runsley, a chef at The Bison, could barely contain his anger when The Bucknellian interviewed him. He said, “Listen here, hackers! Putting unicorn meat on our menu? Sure, fine, whatever. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Pineapple on pizza though!? You’ve crossed the line!” 

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Runsley proceeded to rip the microphone from our interviewer’s hands, saying, “I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career in the kitchen. Take pineapple on pizza off the menu, and that’ll be the end of it. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.” 

Are chefs at The Bison actually just Liam Neeson in disguise? Who knows?! All we know for sure is that the chefs are very, very angry. It’s no secret that most students think that The Bison is ridiculously overpriced (and we agree with them!), but what they fail to realize is that the absurd prices come with a “100% Satisfaction Guaranteed” policy. This means that any and all orders must be fulfilled no matter how ridiculous they are. 

For example, remember that supposedly unobtainable unicorn meat mentioned earlier? In an event that you most definitely will not be seeing on Nickelodeon, chefs had to make the trek all the way to the land of “My Little Pony” to obtain it. And, apparently, the student who ordered it was overheard saying that his Unicorn Wrap wasn’t even that good, much less magical. Talk about being ungrateful!

Thankfully, it wasn’t difficult for campus officials to find and apprehend the hackers and force them to undo their handiwork. However, officials feared that any light leaking into the room might cause the hackers to disintegrate like vampires. Fortunately, they only suffered second-degree burns and their punishment was this thing called “going outside.” Props to these comp-sci majors for trying something new!

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