Everyone saw the startling email Tuesday evening: “Attention students of Bucknell: All 911 lines in the area of Union County are temporarily unavailable. If there is a true emergency, do NOT call 911. Please contact the local fire department or walk to the nearest P-Safe office.”
That message popped up right as I was catching up on my morning news. More specifically, I was in the midst of reading an article concerning the five-foot murderer was on the loose. He escaped prison. AGAIN. He prowls around somewhere in Central Pennsylvania, having the time of his life.
This is when I saw the news of The Purge. I looked outside my window and saw five people committing petty misdemeanor crimes. With all P-Safe and 911 lines down, people are jumping on the opportunity to commit their crimes without fear of being caught.
So, what happened when the escaped murderer showed up at my dorm while I was in the middle of doing my Econ notes? I was sitting at my desk, pencil in hand, and there he was in his stolen souvenir shirt from Longwood Gardens. I barely remember where my classes are, so I sure as hell don’t know where the P-Safe hideout is! What could I do?
Contrary to local legend, the Blue-Light system does NOT work; all of the phones are dressed in fat “Out of Order” signs. Now I have two options: I can either go from phone to phone trying to find one that is functional, or I can pray to my lucky stars that my feet guide me to the P-Safe office.
I went for option number two; my legs are more reliable than the cops. Miraculously, I found their headquarters, Dunkin’ Donuts, and walked right in.
I said, “Mr. P-Safe officers, I’d like to inform you that the murderer who escaped from prison has arrived on campus. But don’t worry. I told him to stay right where he was, and he promised he’d wait right there until we got back.”
Unfortunately, when we got back to my dorm nearly a half hour later, he was gone. Shocker. All of my stuff was cleaned out, too. I’ve been sleeping on my carpet since last week, no longer having the luxury of my lofted dorm room bed that he stole.
Overall, the takeaway I got from this experience is that maybe, just maybe, I should start locking my door at night.
Sometimes, I have a little too much trust in humanity.